the inverse effects of praise

While preparing my lessons for the Beehives, I often check out some online resources, such as beginningsnew (website founded/run by a friend's sister who is a YWP - not that this makes her an expert, but I seem to have a similar way of looking at things as she does). There was a link on the side that led me to a rediscovery of some studies done on praise.

It seems logical and helpful to tell our kids that they are smart, in order to help foster a healthy self esteem and to help teach them that they can do whatever they set their minds to. In actuality, much research shows that praising EFFORT over ability is actually crucial. I've never been a big fan of psychological research. In mulling this over last night, it finally struck me that it's not psychological studies per se that cook my goose, it's poorly designed research in general that drives me bananas. I just have a stronger association between psych studies and poor design for some reason. So, I've been trying to be more open minded.

The studies referenced in this NY Mag article conducted by Carol Dweck totally intrigue me. Briefly, in one experiment, students were given ONE LINE of praise following a simple puzzle test. When they completed the task they were either told they 'must be really smart' or that they 'must have worked really hard.' When given the choice of a second test and told that one was easier, but that the other would teach them a lot, the majority of 'smart' kids chose the easy one, and 90% of the 'good effort' kids chose the harder one. Kids praised for their intelligence are more afraid of failing or looking bad - exactly opposite the effect parents are shooting for when by TELLING their kids that they're smart.

The entire article was fascinating to me, in particular the conclusion. After doing a significant amount of research, the author took a step back and looked at how she treated her 5 year old. The old adage 'Try, try again' seemed too trite, until she came across some research about persistence. There is an unconscious neural circuit in the brain that is activated when a reward is not immediate. This circuit is formed by intermittent rewards - if a subject is rewarded too frequently, they'll (a rat in this case, but people too) give up when the rewards stop. The author discovered that praising her son was a way of expressing her love for him, a way of playing catch-up for all the hours she wasn't with him during the day. HE didn't need the praise as much as she needed to give it.

This article just reminded me AGAIN of the real power of words. When Katie first started doing puzzles, I would say 'WOW! You're really clever!' when she'd figure out something that I thought was beyond her age. Of course, since I'm her mom and she's the first, I naturally think she's a genius to begin with - there is just a small amount of inherent bias here. Then I ended up with a two year old running around saying 'I sure am a clever girl.' Not that she isn't, but it's something she needs to figure out and know for herself.

The original article that sent me to the NY Mag article also has gotten my noodle cooking a ton, more in terms of the Beehives I teach. Girls/women are often told that they are 'special' and that they are 'naturally more in tune with the Spirit.' Never mind right now why that is, or whether or not that is true, but it has far-reaching consequences. A few - like probably 10 by now - years ago, a RS teacher made some statement to the effect of: 'RS is just more touchy-feely than Elder's Quorum' - with the implication being that RS is 'doctrinally light.' My friend Kari and I - sitting on opposite sides of the chapel (where the lesson was being taught) - in the same instant yelled out 'NO!' I think that silly attitude is used by a lot of girls as an excuse for not studying/figuring things out for themselves. Just as telling your child that she's smart is well-intentioned, I think that telling girls that they are naturally more spiritual - equally well-intentioned - can actually be an obstacle for them in learning how God talks to them individually. If an answer to a prayer doesn't come readily, then it must be because there is something wrong with them. How do you help someone understand patience and persistence and WORK if they think that they are just magically supposed to succeed? How do I in 30 minutes (max!) of class time a week help pound home the need for constant, consistant effort to figure things out for themselves? And sometimes it's going to be HARD!

So today, we ended up talking about how to stand up for others - including ourselves - by saying NO to things that are not OK for us. That being assertive is not the same as being rude. And in the background of my head I've been trying to figure out how to help a 12 year old understand that having a boyfriend 'because he's hot' is not the greatest reason in the world . . .

hometeacher extrordinaire

Roger thinks I'm silly to post about this, but it's still stuck in my brain, and still really impresses me. And it's Sunday, so let's go semi-churchy. Really, it's just about good friends.

Our home teacher/FRIEND rocks.

On Labor Day around 8 pm the tenants downstairs knocked to say that the water heater was leaking. This bad boy had been on its way out for a while, so naturally the time to go out is in the evening. At least the Depot was still open.

Roger and Jethro, his trusty steed, zipped on down and grabbed a new water heater. Once he got started on the project, Rog realized he didn't have the right size of connecting pieces. I gave our home teacher/buddy a jingle to see if he did. Being into property management himself - only on a MUCH larger scale - odds were good that he would.

I expected him to say 'Come on over and see if I have what you need.' I still can't get over his response. Without hesitation he said 'I'll just grab my stuff and come on over.' It's now 9 pm at night. He didn't have to think about it or clear it with his wife. He just came over.

And he has comparable man skills to Rog. I make a decent assistant, but let's just say I'm not my fastest self these days. I'm sure I could sweat a mean joint if I could ever pry that torch out of Roger's hands and have a go at it. But really, is an evening plumbing project the time to test this skill? Mike and Rog both knew what they were doing, and each could work on a different part of the installation in tandem. Instead of Roger having to stay up late and plumb it all himself, while I downed the Dove miniatures upstairs, one hour later they were done. I still got to eat ice cream and not feel guilty about it.

I sent the wife a little thank you email, and she sent Mike over a couple days later with some goodies. STOP already!

The week before this we had gone out with these guys to the Dinner Theater and had been joking about how we had re-requested Mike as our home teacher - cheaters, I know. But his style works for us. He doesn't come every month, and he doesn't throw a message at us as he checks his watch to hustle out the door. When we need help, however, he is always available. Whenever Roger has had to travel for work, or when we go out of town, I get a little nervous that some rental catastrophe is going to happen, but then I check Mike's schedule. If he's going to be in town, I don't worry. I know that we can call him, and he can and WILL take care of things if need be - not that we've had to yet, knock on wood.

This for me is real home teaching. He started out as our home teacher, and became our good friend. We talk about church stuff when it strikes us. Most importantly, we know that he cares about our family and will always help with whatever we have a need for. When the kids are bigger and we NEED to go to Moab, I'm sure he'll be there. :)